Parenting Styles (English and Marathi blogs)

Parenting Styles:

While you wait for your child, you are already an expecting parent so it is required that you understand the styles of Parenting which you may adopt.

Many times Parenting style is generational, what it means is that usually the new parents adopt the parenting format used by their own parents. As the new parents may come from different formats of being parented, it may lead to confusion and conflicts on which format is the best for their child. Let us look at some examples and then the styles of Parenting.

Neha’s father is a very strict and disciplined person so while growing up she has to follow rules and norms very strictly or else she is punished for not listening to him. Neha’s mother used to get very upset when as a child Neha did not listen to her instructions. She used to give Neha the silent treatment for many days after that, which could make Neha anxious and feel guilty for her actions.

Let me share another example, Shreyas was a happy child. He was never stopped by his parents in doing anything. They used to shower him with toys and whatever he asked for, he never heard the word NO in his life. Shreyas expected that in college and later at work he will be treated the same way.

In another example, Nitin is allowed to play and follow his heart. After the play he has to clean and tidy up the toys he has played with. His parents allow him to go to his friends house as many times as he wants, he needs to inform them and adhere to the timings allowed by his parents.

Riddhi has a lot of friends, they come to her house to play many times. She can go to their house to play as many times as she wants to. She at times bunks her school even exams and stays home or goes out to play in the park nearby. Her parents do not scold her or seem bothered by her behavior.

Let us now look in from psychological aspect.

In theory, there are only four styles of parenting.

1. Authoritarian parents are controlling and demand obedience without considering the child’s point of view.
2. Permissive parents are loving, but don’t exert any control. There are no rules.
3. Authoritative parents who are firm but loving. They encourage independence, within limits.
4. Neglecting parents are uninvolved and often uninterested in their own child.
Recently a 5th style was proposed, but we look at that later.

The styles range from controlling and demanding, to complete freedom; and from cold and unresponsive to loving and receptive. Each, authoritative, permissive, authoritarian and neglectful parents, have their place. To understand what it means to grow up with parents from each end of the spectrum, we can imagine the lives of four children.

Neha’s parents are Authoritarian. They love their girl Neha, but they believe that strict rules are important to make Neha become well behaved and fit into the society. If Neha cries, she’s told to stop. If she talks back, she is sent to the corner for timeout. If she forgets to take care of her chores around the house, she is not allowed to play with her toys.

Neha learns that suppressing her emotions and following her duties is the way to get through the day. To get the love of her parents, and to avoid making them upset, she becomes obedient. However, because Neha was never allowed to decide for herself or follow her intrinsic interests, as an adult, she doesn't know what she really wants. She begins living a life that seems perfect to her parents and society, but might leave her unhappy on the inside.

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Permissive parents , like those of Shreyas, love their little boy so much that they believe they should fulfill all his wishes, give him full freedom and never say “no”. Shreyas enjoys full control over his parents and gets whatever he wants. If he doesn’t want to walk, he’ll be carried. If he wants ice-cream, ice-cream he gets. If he wants to play games, he’ll be playing them all night.

Shreyas grows up completely without borders and does whatever he thinks is right. He never coped with conflict and he did not learn to control his emotions. The fact that he always got what he wanted made him a bad loser. As he grows older he often acts inconsiderate and doesn’t know his limits.

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Nitin’s Authoritative parents respect their child's needs, but believe that kids need freedom within certain limits. Nitin can freely play, but when he’s done, he needs to help tidy up. He is allowed to eat ice cream, but only on Sundays. Screen-time is limited to 30 minutes a day. There may be conflict, but the parents listen to what Nitin has to say and then lay down the rules. However, they don’t give in, nor do they use rewards or punishments.

Nitin learns that some things are difficult, but his parents give him all the support he needs to get through it. He develops the strength to endure hardships and to continue following his interests and passions. In class he bravely expresses his own opinions in an appropriate manner. During breaks he can show his emotions and act freely. As an adult he agrees to rules only after they have been discussed and he feels like he understands them.

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Neglectful parents are usually not present in their children's life. Riddhi often feels completely alone in the world. She experiences full freedom to do anything she wants to and has plenty of imagination , but she never receives any feedback, affection, love or even attention. Riddhi realizes that it doesn’t matter what she does, because no one cares anyway. The lack of attention, leads to a lack of trust in herself and others. She becomes insecurely attached, unable to form healthy relationships and develops a negative image of herself. To stop feeling unworthy of love , she tries not to feel anything at all.

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In recent years, Over-Involved parents, who are present in every aspect of their child’s life, are often referred to as the 5th style. These parents are also known as ‘snow plows’, removing obstacles out of their kids' path, or 'helicopter' parents, who hover about and micro-manage every aspect of their child's life. Since they won’t let their children do anything alone, the children can’t learn to overcome challenges by themselves. Research infers that these children don’t like to solve difficult problems, lack perseverance and may even procrastinate in protest when something requires a lot of effort.

Then one may wonder what is the right way, for good parenting "balance of demandingness and responsiveness" is necessary as well as the flexibility in parenting style with the age of the child. When the child is an infant/toddler, he needs to be instructed and given direction. As the child grows up to manage his own tasks then it is better to follow:

“Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed” and parents should probably do pretty well.

पालकत्वाच्या शैली

जेव्हा तुम्ही तुमच्या बाळाची वाट पाहत असता, तेव्हा तुम्ही आधीपासूनच एक "होणारे पालक" असता, त्यामुळे तुम्हाला वेगवेगळ्या पालकत्वाच्या शैली समजून घेणे आवश्यक आहे.  

खूप वेळा पालकत्वाची पद्धत ही पिढ्यानपिढ्या चालत आलेली असते, म्हणजेच नवीन पालक सहसा त्यांच्या स्वतःच्या पालकांनी वापरलेल्या पद्धती अवलंबतात. नवीन पालक भिन्न प्रकारच्या पालकत्वाच्या शैलींमध्ये वाढलेले असू शकतात, ज्यामुळे मुलासाठी कोणती पद्धत योग्य आहे यावरून गोंधळ आणि वाद होऊ शकतो. आपण काही उदाहरणे पाहू आणि नंतर पालकत्वाच्या शैली समजून घेऊ.  

उदाहरणे:

1. नेहाचे पालक

नेहाचे वडील खूप शिस्तप्रिय आणि कठोर आहेत, त्यामुळे ती लहान असताना तिला नियमांचे पालन खूप काटेकोरपणे करावे लागत असे; न केल्यास तिला शिक्षा मिळत असे. तिची आईसुद्धा खूप नाराज होई, जर नेहाने तिचे ऐकले नाही, तर ती तिला काही दिवस *मौन वागणूक (silent treatment)* देत असे, ज्यामुळे नेहाला अपराधी वाटायचे आणि ती चिंताग्रस्त होई.  

2. श्रेयसचे पालक

श्रेयस खूप आनंदी मुलगा, कारण त्याच्या पालकांनी त्याला कधीच काही करण्यापासून थांबवले नाही. त्याला जे हवे ते मिळायचे. त्याला कधीही "नकार" ऐकायला लागले नाही. त्यामुळे कॉलेज किंवा कामाच्या ठिकाणीही त्याला अशीच वागणूक मिळेल असे वाटू लागले.  

3. नितिनचे पालक 

नितिनला त्याचे मन मानेल ते करण्याचे स्वातंत्र्य आहे, जसे खेळणे. मात्र, खेळ झाल्यावर त्याला त्याच्या खेळणी आवरण्याची जबाबदारी घ्यावी लागते. त्याला मित्रांच्या घरी जाण्याची मुभा असते, पण त्याने पालकांना कळवणे आणि दिलेल्या वेळेचे पालन करणे आवश्यक आहे.  

4. ऋद्धीचे पालक  

ऋद्धीला बरेच मित्र-मैत्रिणी आहेत आणि ते अनेकदा तिच्या घरी खेळायला येतात. तिला त्यांच्या घरी जाण्यासाठी पूर्ण स्वातंत्र्य आहे. कधी कधी ती शाळाही चुकवते, अगदी परीक्षेच्या दिवशीही, आणि बागेत जाऊन खेळते. तिचे पालक तिच्या वागण्याकडे दुर्लक्ष करतात आणि तिच्या वर्तनावर काही प्रतिक्रिया देत नाहीत.  

पालकत्वाच्या शैलींचा मानसशास्त्रीय दृष्टिकोन सिद्धांतानुसार चार प्रमुख पालकत्वाच्या शैली आहेत:  

1. Authoritarian:

   - पालक नियंत्रण करणारे असतात आणि मुलांची मते विचारात घेत नाहीत.  

2. Permissive:  

   - पालक प्रेमळ असतात पण कोणताही नियम लावत नाहीत.  

3. Authoritative:

   - पालक कठोर पण प्रेमळ असतात. मर्यादित स्वातंत्र्याला प्रोत्साहन देतात.  

4.  Neglectful:

   - पालक मुलांकडे दुर्लक्ष करतात आणि मुलांमध्ये रस घेत नाहीत.  

अलीकडे पाचवी शैली प्रस्तावित झाली आहे, पण आपण ती नंतर पाहू.  

चार प्रमुख शैलींचे वर्णन:

1. नेहाचे पालक - Authoritarian:

   - ते आपल्या मुलीवर प्रेम करतात, पण कठोर नियमांवर भर देतात.  

   - जर नेहा रडली, तर तिला शांत बसायला सांगितले जाते. कामे विसरली तर तिला खेळण्याची परवानगी दिली जात नाही.  

   - परिणाम: नेहाला तिच्या भावना दडपून टाकायला शिकवले जाते. ती आज्ञाधारक बनते पण मोठी झाल्यावर तिला स्वतःसाठी निर्णय घेता येत नाहीत. समाज आणि पालकांची अपेक्षा पूर्ण करताना तिचा स्वतःचा आनंद हरवतो.  

2. श्रेयसचे पालक - Permissive: 

   - ते आपल्या मुलावर खूप प्रेम करतात आणि त्याला हवी ती गोष्ट देतात. 

   - श्रेयसला कधीच नकार ऐकायला लागत नाही, त्याच्या सर्व इच्छा पूर्ण केल्या जातात.  

   - परिणाम: श्रेयसला सीमांचे ज्ञान होत नाही. तो स्वतःच्या भावना नियंत्रित करू शकत नाही आणि संघर्ष सहन करण्याची ताकद विकसित करत नाही.  

3. नितिनचे पालक - Authoritative:

   - पालक मुलाच्या गरजांचा आदर करतात पण मर्यादा घालून देतात.  

   - त्याला खेळण्याचे स्वातंत्र्य असते, पण कामे पूर्ण करण्याची अपेक्षा ठेवली जाते.  

   - परिणाम: नितिन खंबीर बनतो, स्वतःच्या मतांचे योग्य प्रकारे प्रदर्शन करतो आणि आयुष्यातील अडचणींना सक्षमपणे सामोरे जातो.  

4. ऋद्धीचे पालक - Neglectful:

   - ते मुलांकडे दुर्लक्ष करतात आणि त्यांच्या वर्तनाची चिंता करत नाहीत.  

   - परिणाम: ऋद्धीला एकाकी वाटते, आत्मविश्वास कमी होतो आणि ती नकारात्मक विचार करू लागते.  

पाचवी शैली: अती-लाड करणारे पालक (Over-Involved) यांना "हेलिकॉप्टर" पालक म्हणतात,

- ते मुलांच्या आयुष्यात प्रत्येक गोष्टीवर लक्ष ठेवून अडथळे दूर करतात.

- परिणाम: मुलांना समस्या सोडवण्याची सवय लागत नाही, आत्मनिर्भरता आणि खंबीरपणा विकसित होत नाही.  

योग्य पालकत्वाचा समतोल: "प्रेमळपणा आणि शिस्त यामधील संतुलन" हा योग्य पालकत्वाचा मुख्य घटक आहे.  

- लवचिकता: मुलाच्या वयानुसार पालकांनी आपली पद्धत बदलायला हवी.  

- मार्गदर्शन: लहान मुलांना दिशा आणि सूचना आवश्यक असतात.  

- स्वातंत्र्य: मोठ्या मुलांना स्वबळावर कामे करण्यास प्रोत्साहन दिले पाहिजे.  

- वचन: "ज्या कामात मूल यशस्वी होऊ शकते, त्यामध्ये त्याला कधीही मदत करू नये"  

प्रेम, स्पष्ट मर्यादा आणि वयानुसार दिलेले स्वातंत्र्य यांचा समतोल साधल्यास मुलं आत्मविश्वासाने, खंबीरपणे आणि आयुष्याच्या अडचणींना सक्षमपणे सामोरे जातात.